This exchange is 99% based on 100% of emails sent by 99% of Business Development Managers that were satisfied that they believed that their email would work based upon an 800% uplift in conversions experienced by nobody in particular.
From: Bryan Walker**IMPORTANT**
Hi Andrew. Are you the right person??
I was just browsing <insert longform company name here >’s website and I noticed that you weren’t using my shitty product!
I know we’d be the perfect fit for you because we already have major clients in <approximate but not actually even nearly correct industry area > such as <non competitor non similar non domestic corp >, <household flagship inc > (retaining us for flatbed scanner contracts) and <competitor generally considered to be about 100 times shitter than you >.
We typically see conversion rate uplifts of 1 million thousand percent, motivated by the fact that our product generally drives all but the most determined of users AWAY from your site.
I was actually in your shop last week buying a <product > for my <relative >. I didn’t pretend that I bought it for me, because I didn’t want to give the impression that I actually know something about it!
Also, a colleague of mine just told me that Lewis Mitchall from your office had actually signed up for a trial of our product back in early December. Well… It’s a match! Hur hur.
It would be great to chat to you about your business and where the awful shitheap I have to sell you might fit in?
It’s worth considering that I haven’t noted that you already currently use:
The product I’m trying to sell you ✓
A product that we can all objectively see is exponentially better ✓
Nothing. Because the problem I’m solving is not actually a problem ✓
Do you have 6 years next Tuesday to have a chat???!
Dingo Dingo Mecca Bingo
From: AndrewDear Bryan
Thanks for your email, and congratulations on purchasing that product. It’s awesome! So awesome we really had actually forgotten that we even sold it.
Anyway, I hope you had a great experience in our store. One tiny thing…
I’ll be fucked if I can find you in our customer system? I mean… as a matter of principle I always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS check when salespersons tell me that they bought something from us. Why wouldn’t I? It’s 100% less of a waste of time than responding sincerely, and 100% more amusing.
My mind is racing right now, Bryan. Maybe you didn’t buy your item from us? Maybe you don’t know where you bought it from? Or even what you bought? Maybe you’re using the it wrong, Bryan? It’s really not meant to be used that way, Bryan.
Maybe you aren’t Bryan at all. Maybe you went by a pseudonym. Do I need to call the police, Bryan? Are you a dirty fugitive?
Anyway. One thing I didn’t check is that you actually have a daughter. I’m confident that your lie wouldn’t extend to imagining children… so I’m glad that we’ve established that your definitely-existent offspring serve a purpose as pawns in your otherwise un-chess-like day job.
I also think you may be mistaken about my colleague, Lewis, because the only person by that name with even a tenuous connection to my company, my company’s general function, or the earth upon which which my company functions is clearly : deceased Jazz drummer, Louis Mitchell.
I’d say Louis would be mortified that you spelt his name wrong…
But he’s already dead.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_Mitchell
This unfortunate transposition of employee names in a wily scheme that – I hold my hands up – almost had me entirely fooled, has led me to confidently conclude that you are using MS Word MAIL MERGE ! A feature of Word that, if I’m honest, I’ve only ever used once, in 2002, and honestly I thought they’d taken it out.
Like, taken it out and burned the code. I mean… if I were Microsoft, I would have treated that like fucking Watergate. I’d be all like, “burrrrn the tapes!!!” and “God, I hope my grandkids never find out I did this”.
I can tell you right now that your competitors are using tools such as “Pro Email” with 80% less clipart. They don’t fuck up like this. I could probably put you in touch? Let me know if you’re interested in a chat. I really think we.can.help.you.
Yours kindly